Reviewer: Egann
Anonymous 
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Date: Jul 12, 2008 7:29 AM
Title: Movie - Opening Introduction
Very visceral, but your style needs some refinement.
1."he camera cuts to rustling leaves in the bushes outside her window, indicating someones presence."
2."Someone's" possessive, not plural.
3.The passage is only 550 words long, but the word "camera" appears almost 20 times, and even more when you consider references to panning and sweeping. That's just too many: use a thesaurus or find another way of describing camera motions.
4. The present tense combines quite well with the description and camera panning, giving you excelent descriptive powers and some quite vivid imagery (and we can imagine the camera angles, so actually this very nearly translates to a cinema script) BUT you've lost the other senses (smell, taste, touch) by extracting your viewpoint from a character. This is particularly missed with the pie, because we don't smell freshly baked apples (or whatever.) Be mindful that you loose abilities when you make a stlye change.
Author's Response: ok, sorry dude, i just needed a place to throw down my ideas. also, i dont know if im completely missing the point here, but you cant smell taste or feel whats happening in a game.
